The following article was printed this morning in The George Anne, a student-run newspaper, at Georgia Southern University.
"Beware of the GTSNP Virus
Students of Georgia Southern University, I require your full attention. An epidemic has swept our campus and taken over our ladies. I am talking of course about the Giant-T-Shirt-Non-Pants (GTSNP) virus.
Symptoms of the virus include females wearing giant T-shirts and a form of non-pants and usually include severe cerebral malfunctioning, or stupidity.
The virus seems to be spreading mostly over sorority girls but has been known to transfer to those closest to them.
Now that word is out about the virus, the main thing to do is remain calm. Some of you may be thinking, “But how can we stop the virus? How can we protect ourselves?”
A key to protecting yourself is finding those infected. This should be very simple because the virus leaves all of the infected in the same state of external decay.
First you will notice the T-shirt. It will be larger than the female wearing it by at least three sizes and will normally be a bright color, sometimes with anywhere from one to many logos for local businesses, fraternity formals and bars printed on them.
Next, you will notice the lack of pants. Anyone can wear a T-shirt and jeans but the virus calls for a lack of pants. Please be warned: Leggings and athletic shorts are not pants. Do not be confused; it could be the difference between your life and death.
Other things you may notice are Rainbow brand flip-flops or a Polo Ralph Lauren ball cap. Essentially, the infected will display signs of preparing to go to the gym, without ever going to the gym.
The infected may appear healthy by wearing full prom make-up – trust me when I say this is a trap.
The virus spreads quickly through oral transfer. The infected prey on the weak by flapping their jaws open and letting a cluster of annoying sounds fall out. This horrible phenomenon is, oddly enough, called “talking.” However, these sounds the infected make are not words, clauses or proper sentences.
To hunt these infected you must simply equip yourself with a T-shirt cannon and a pair of pants. Any type of pants will do, really, but jeans seem to work best – khakis or slacks agitate the infected because, “like, thaaay jusss arrrn comfrbllllll.”
When approached by or approaching the infected, ready your T-shirt cannon and fire to stun them. Once they have hit the ground they will become agitated. This is where things can get messy. You will need to convince the infected to wear the pants you have brought with you.
At this point the infected's only defense is to spread the virus by “talking.” Because of the severe cerebral damage that has been done due to the virus, you can counter the attack with simple math and physics.
Memorize a formula — stay alive.
Once you have disarmed the infected, the next step is to kill the virus. This can only be done with an injection of sanity to the temple.
I know that times are hard and it is terrifying to be surrounded by this malicious virus every day. But, if we can stop the virus, then sanity can thrive. It is imperative that we fight back and stop the virus, humanely.
Or we could just go all Walking Dead on their asses."
As an active, alumna member of a Greek organization, I know that it is in fact easy for this student to assume she's better off, when she doesn't know what she's missing.
"What critics of the Greek system turn a blind eye to, whether out of ignorance or purposeful neglect, are the countless other activities in which Greek houses and their members are participating." You never hear a critic talk about the Reading is Key Event hosted by Kappa Kappa Gamma, at which sisters spent an afternoon reading with low-income students. You don’t hear about the successful Breast Cancer Awareness Programs initiated by Zeta Tau Alpha, or Alpha Delta Pi's work with the Ronald McDonald House, offering support to children and families when they need it most. If you're going to rip apart one inexpressibly unimportant part of Greek Life (ie. the clothes women wear), then don't forget to take a look at the other, much more important, facets of our organizations too.
"Forty-three of the 100 members of the U.S. Senate are members of a fraternity or sorority. Thirty-Six percent of the House of Representatives are members of a sorority or fraternity. Of North America’s 50 largest corporations, 43 are headed by Greek men and women, 30% of all Fortune 500's. 40 of 47 U.S. Supreme Court Justices have been and are Greek. 63% of all U.S. Cabinet members since 1900 have been and are Greek. All of the Apollo 11 astronauts were Greek. A study by the University of Missouri found that Greeks throughout the U.S. and Canada are more involved on their campuses and rate their overall university experience better than non-Greeks. The same U of Missouri study found Greeks are more financially successful after they graduate than non-Greeks, are more involved in their communities, and give more generously to their alma maters." -Source: www.whygogreek.com
